Hi Abelle,
Welcome to SR and sharing your story. As you can see it has been a great opportunity for all of us to share our own experiences and history with similar situations with loved ones who do and say things that are complete head scratchers.
When you take situations like this and share it you get a lot of different opinions and it is very enlightening for all of us. I just know read all 5 pages and as a card carrying codie in recovery with children that I raised from infancy to adulthood by myself I will share my thoughts with you.
I was raised by an abusive alcoholic... a truly cruel man and family of origin was insane...truly. Life lesson: Just because I was abused does not give me a hall pass on behavior as an adult. Neither does it give an A hall pass because they are "sick".
We are all sick... we all are capable of cruelty, selfishness, thoughtlessness etc. You said he was a person of faith so you get this... we are responsible for our lives and our choices.
He is "sick" and you feel like you need to treat his issues with kid gloves because he is an A allegedly in recovery. This is common for A's to use the "recovery comes first" as a manipulative tool and of course we don't want to rock the boat because they are "sick".
As others have pointed out a life recovery plan is a program of action and not isolation. It is when we open up to others and are transparent and ask for honest feedback it is when we grow. Now who we open up to and trust can be a therapist, a pastor and in AA it is a sponsor which is sort of like being disciple in the Christian faith. You choose a wise person maybe with a great deal of expertise in addiction in one of those fields and you actively pursue those character defects that make you say hurtful things that are selfish in nature. Selfishness being the root of many, many issues in alcoholism.
AA meetings are the social part of the wheel. A lot of people don't like open meetings but my now XRA and I found Big Book meetings and 12 step meetings to be very helpful to him. We attended on open BB meeting together for over a year that had some great wisdom and life changing folks that had been meeting together for many years. To go to meetings and meet with a sponsor regularly is a time commitment and requires effort. Show me your calendar and I will tell you where your heart lies or your "program". A sponsor and the steps are the real program of recovery in AA.
The A that is running their own recovery and doing their own talking to their head is on a bad path in my opinion. Now if your reports had been different about his behaviors towards you I might be more open minded that he is the rarest of the rare alcoholic who can be his own therapist and thrive...but its not working! He is still "sick" and apparently needs you to overlook his bad behaviors because of his "brain".
Now...it takes two years for the brain to fully recover from alcoholism damage. Whatever brain cells are left well that is what he has got to work with. My XRA drank like a fish for over 15 years and would drink to almost .50 regularly and was given death sentences 5 times in hospital emergency rooms. He lived. He has been sober this last time 5 months and I guarantee you he killed million of brain cells and when he was drinking he was said some seriously nasty cruel things. But sober? He would never, never tell me anything like your RA has said to you... oh my.
Not being attracted to you sexually. Say what? That is clearly not normal for a love relationship between a healthy man and woman in the honeymoon phase. Everyone has a different sex drive and while I am abstinent right now being single I simply couldn't imagine having a man in my life if sex weren't a huge motivator for me to give up my independence as a single woman. And for me to enter back into a relationship it would have be off the scale insanely good and frequent...but that's just me.
The kids. I never married any of my boyfriends who wanted to marry me and be a father figure to my kids. My kids didn't want a stepdad in the house and so I never let them marry me. But somebody who didn't love my kids or at least like my kids a lot... well...they would be off the list too. And remember...what your kids see in your relationships is what they will imprint as "normal" and it does affect their adult choices later. So model healthy stuff to them as they are and always should never be second to any boyfriend.
As other posters have pointed out this your decision entirely and our posts are just our thoughts based on very limited information... you are there and know this man. And if your heart tells you he is worth taking to the time to make sure he is not the right guy for the rest of your life then that is OK too!
But... what do you want? Forget him. He is a big boy and he has already said he doesn't want to talk about recovery and he knows all the answers for himself and even his A friend! Sounds like the blind leading the blind but that's just me.
What about you? What kind of life do you want with what kind of man? Can you be happy with a part time guy that not that involved with your kids that you are kind of friends? It doesn't sound like he will be ever a sensuous partner that will tell you how you drive him crazy thinking about you all day and he can't wait to tear your clothes off... do you want to give that up forever? To me that was the best part of being in a relationship and cuddling and sharing our deepest thoughts and dreams. That is intimacy at its highest level... is he capable of that?
Once you know what you want (not him) and you decide what your boundaries are then you can share them.
Questions about recovery and his recovery program? Completely valid. Relationships with A's are always risky. If you continue and learn about alcoholism and get involved with Alanon you will definitely begin to operate from a position of knowledge and your own self discovery. Knowledge is strength. Would he support your attending alanon? It is a great question to see how confident he is in his "recovery".
If he is having problems in the sex arena and you would like to have a great sex life what is willing to do about it? See a doctor? Sex therapist? Take Viagra? What will he do FOR YOU to meet your needs sexually? Does he even care???? Making love is the glue that helps hold a couple together and for good reason... our bodies are designed to dump a huge amount of chemicals that make us feel good about ourselves and our partner. It grows a relationship.. it makes us closer in every way... we become ONE... he isn't interested in that??? There is reason physically or mentally there... or as has been said maybe it is something deeper. Has he had previous intimate successful relationships with women ever? If so go to lunch and ask them (just kidding!) But seriously what is his past history here?
Now liking or wanting kids is a red flag. Not desiring you or wanting an active sex life is a red flag. His program of recovery is a red flag. It just sounds like he is not happy in his own skin and you make him feel better but he is restless and irritable and discontent... he has not arrived in true recovery from his alcoholism is the quick read for me.
Once you know what you want and can effectively communicate it and find out if he is willing to work on these issues together you will know more if he is the "one" maybe. Or it might reveal that he is not the "one" and you need to start seeing other people ... you don't have to completely curb him but maybe distance your heart a little?
These are just thoughts... and you can take what you need and leave the rest. Maybe he is in a rut and will spin his wheels and get back on track and all this will be a distant bad dream some day... but there are lots of red flags here! AS we say... red flags are not party favors so don't collect them!
Guard your heart... you sound like a very together smart gal... and you have gotten a lot of feedback on this thread. You are ready to figure this thing out...we are all rooting for you and wish we had come here at 8 months! LOL... most of us were many years in and enmeshed by the time we got here.
Keep us posted...