He is who he is. He is who he wants to be, and he will be who he intends to be, whether anybody else finds that good, bad, indifferent, or any label we might choose to use. To see yourself as obligated to rescue him from an illness that he doesn't believe he has is intruding on his autonomy of being.

I did that, and after I divorced my AH of 20 years and really began to look at my part in our dysfunction, I found that I had been very arrogant without meaning to be. I had felt he needed to be reformed, and I had taken that on, uninvited, as my duty. I was wrong. Had I figured that out 12 years ago, maybe things would have been different. Who knows, can't tell, but it was a major contribution on my part to our marriage's dysfunction. I regret it. If I had let the chips fall as they fell without my "management" (read interference), his abusive alcoholic behavior might have been cut short or if not, I might have left years ago and spared myself and my kids a lot of pain.