I call shelters everyday and they're all full. I secured an appointment for free counseling and asked his mom for a ride because its far away and in a bad place and I had no way to get there. Once she looked up the address she was suddenly busy and couldn't give me a ride. She was protecting her son. He told me that she was afraid of what I might say. My family will not help with a place to live, with money or even as a shoulder to lean on. I'm 100% on my own. I have a good head on my shoulders and I usually know what to do. I have no clue with this though. My only idea is to get a job and pray my back doesn't give out on me before I get an apartment. I agree that I'm traumatized. I feel shell shocked. I'm getting very weary and I feel much older than I am. The last time he got physical I got choked, thrown into a TV and onto the floor. While I was waiting for the dizziness to subside he was standing over me calling me a white trash loser etc etc. I'm pretty sure I got a concussion from that. I had a lump on my forehead and a painful bruise. It really made me feel like a loser to have to cover it up with makeup. He's 37 I'm 25. He's 200 lbs and in great shape and I'm 120 lbs and almost disabled. He knows how bad my back is. One small injury could paralyze me. He knows this. He knew I was traumatized and weak emotionally from a bad abusive childhood and I think that's why he chose me. I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid of calling the cops because these people have screwed up values and I'm pretty sure I'd be out on my ass. Honestly I'm afraid of what he's going to do if I can't get out of here in time. Each attack is worse than the attack before.
I know that this is more of an abuse situation than an addiction situation. But I'm stuck. And I know that there are coping skills that people who are forced to live with an addict employ to make their lives healthy in spite of the sickness around them. I know things are never going to be easy for me here but I'm sure there must be some level of separation that I can achieve that will give me a healthier life as long as I'm stuck here. He's got me very much blind and he's manipulated me into irrationality and engaging. I know I'm doing something wrong here but I don't know how to change it because I don't know what it is. He's in my head, under my skin and taking over my life. He's destroying me and I have nowhere to turn. Every time he gets high I get really stressed and I start having physical reactions like shaking, sweating and palpitations. I think that's a sign that I'm slightly codependent. How do I get myself to the point that I don't care. I don't love him anymore. I kind of care about him but that's dwindling down too. I almost hate him. I think I'm just traumatized by all the crap that's happened all the other times he was high and that's why I get stressed. I just need to know what other's experiences are and what they did to cope I guess. I've heard of some of the rules like don't support him financially when he can't pay bills because he spent all his money on drugs from watching intervention. But I don't know anything else. What are your experience and how do you handle it?
I'm strong and I've gotten through s lot in my life already. But I'm only so strong. I fear I'm headed for a nervous breakdown.