ArcticSA

This is NOT going well. Something is wrong with this quit attempt.
I am either not ready or....?
Last time I had a successful quit, I quit for 4 months. It was not anywhere near this bad.
It's like, I say I want to quit, it's causing issues in my life with energy and weight gain and not feeling healthy. But last time,in February, I had this HUGE determination and I was Ready.
I'm not feeling that way now. What does this mean? I mean it sounds ridiculous to keep drinking until I'm really ready?! I am so confused.
Last night was one of the worst nights. I had decided I wanted to drink with our movie. It went like this...
I said "Honey, will you go get me some wine" (sweet smile)
Him " Nope! You don't need that stuff, you were just saying how your face looked so much better this morning"
A little later "Hmmm I really wish I had some wine right now..."
Silence.
Him "You know you get anxiety the next day"
Me, exasperated, and craving bad "That's when I go overboard!!"
Him "uh-uh" shaking his head.

So now I realize he is flat out refusing. (Its not that I wouldn't go get my own, me asking him is kind of my way of asking his permission and wanting him to agree its OK)
And I realize I am going to start crying because I am so so so so mad that he is not letting me drink!!
This is in the middle of a MASSIVE late evening crave. My emotions are everywhere and I feel like a little kid and I can't help it.
Totally out of character for me, I snap at him for wanting me to put the movie in, then tell him I dont even want to watch it!! So there!! (I thought)
Pout. I storm into the kitchen and make a double strength Kava tea and consider slamming the 2 shots of vodka in the cupboard but, yuck,no.

I go and sit down and literally can not even look at him or I willl start crying. I try to eat a muffin and it gets lodged in my throat because there is such a big lump there.
I sit there giving him the silent treatment until he says "You're doing good hon, you look really good, you'll be so happy in the morning"
And I realize he is like, coddling a small child.
He actually goes and gets me a blanket for my lap and tucks me in and says " I want my wifey to be comfy!"
So he kind of felt a little bit guilty, but not really. It took me until right before we went to sleep to not be mad at him.


I don't want my quit to be like this. A yucky tense battle between husband and wife. There is no way my quit is gonna work with someone forcing me.

With my 4 month quit I had seen my doctor and got a rx for Klonopin and I think that's what I have to do.
My withdrawal symptoms are making me an absolute monster and I don't even recognize myself.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I guess I am giving up until January 17th. when I have my docs appt.