As you can see from the responses, you are not alone. AND there are wonderful people here who are incredibly supportive and non-judgmental. This is a safe place, Nicole. I am glad you found your way here. A lot of what you wrote resonated with me as well. We all know what it's like to lie and sneak about all of it. It's such a crummy, lousy way to live and the guilt and shame is unbearable, I know.
Get to that meeting. Be honest with your doctor. I know it is so scary but I also know that your doctor has heard worse, I'm sure of it. Between this site and your doctor and those AA meetings, you can get a plan. You will feel SO relieved when you have a plan.
Keep coming here and remember we are all here for you.
Jackie