Relapse after 10 years Clean - Help!!
Am 60 days clean having had a two year relapse after ten years in recovery. A painful painful place! Had to go back to rehab cos I just couldnt stop on my own. Same as last time all those years ago! My life was just hurting too much and I couldnt process it even in meetings and couldnt see resolution. Knew I couldnt use socially or control my using but after one and a half years of living in that head space I found myself with two options, use or say bye bye.
Using was worse than I ever remembered and I picked up exactly where I left off and then some. Thank God that some fellowship friends virtually forced me to face my demons and get some help. In rehab I was treated for trauma issues and I finally could understand what was going on. I was unable to grieve my losses due to early trauma and so was in constant pain. Learning about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has saved my life (again!). A very subtle, tricky condition but recognising that I had it gave me the courage to give it another go because I for the first time in ages I felt the one thing that I valued the most but had lost sight of, hope. My recovery meant nothing without hope and i am so grateful I found it again.
The problem I have and hence this post is that being back is so much harder than i thought it would be. Whilst not a newcomer I am in early recovery and have all the mood swings and cravings and obsessions that go with that but this time there is no pink cloud of recovery! The consequences of my relapse are fairly huge such as debt etc but those I can handle as i have done before. What I find so hard is the loneliness. My fellowship friends are all 10+ years and are not in the same place and also I am not in the same place as first time newcomers and I cant find anyone locally who has come back to recovery after substantial prior cleantime. I'm not special and different, I know that and in a way it has been good to be reminded of the basics and that I am still an addict through and through. But would love some help if there is anyone out there with similar story. Thanks everybody and it is good to be back. Using is such a bad option!!