Glad you're back, Kyrie. As mentioned already, it's not you who sucks, it's this thing we call alcoholism. If it weren't so alluring, so inviting, so cunning, baffling and powerful (and patient) then we wouldn't be here doing the deal that we do. Online stuff is great, and can be helpful, but that face-to-face stuff - sponsor time, meetings, talking to others, plus step work - that's what got me past the hump of mental obsession. The basics. The full monty. Half measures avail us nothing.
Service is a great way to get out of isolation - a bad place for any alcoholic.
I am so happy you've come here and shared this and are committed to recovery. It's a beautiful thing.