I can sure relate to your post. I never missed work, my house was in order, I never drove drunk. I did black out and do things I would never do sober. You say you use it as a medication, to keep you calm, etc. If a medicine had the mentioned side effects you state, would you use it. I would not. So I quit drinking. It is almost six months for me. I have not done anything I am ashamed of, had no black outs and always wake up with a clear mind. That for me is reason enough to quit. Welcome to SR. I am glad you are here. You will find lots of support and friendly people who only want to help.