Like I've said many times - it took me 15 years to stay sober.
I was convinced I needed some substance too - and the fear of not having anything between me and the up and downs of life was a very real fear.
In the end, the only way I ever knew if I could deal with life sober was to try it - that's a huge leap of faith especially when things go bad as they often can in life...
but I was determined to try...I'd given 20 years to drink and drugs - I vowed to give one year to recovery.
7 years later I'm still here...
every problem I solved sober...every uncomfortable emotion I sat with sober, every resentment, every flash of anger, every fearful night I got through sober...they all helped me grow strong in recovery, and to change who I was into someone closer to who I wanted to be.
I know you have a strong Christian faith Kyrie - maybe it's time to
really trust that faith...make that leap of faith and leave the past behind...and give the outcomes and the worry over to God?
Your part of the bargain is to refuse to bow down to your addiction and drink again - no matter what
D