Welcome Nikka. And thank you for reminding me why I gave up drinking.
I, too, spent the better part of decades struggling with the idea of whether or not I was a "real alcoholic". I never drank in the morning, could go days, weeks or months without it. But as soon as I had so much as a single sip of beer, the b1tch switch would be flipped on, and I'd be calling in the flying monkeys.
Then I would spend the next 1-4 days in total agony. Depressed beyond measure, anxiously jumping out of my skin, nauseous, dizzy, fearful, etc. It was an absolute living hell on earth.
But I made myself believe that I didn't have a problem because I could put space inbetween the episodes. That was the biggest lie I EVER tried to convince myself of.
Two bottles of wine, still to this day, doesn't seem like a lot to my alcoholic brain. I almost perceive them as glasses rather than bottles. A pint of whiskey sounds like an appertif. I am THAT delusional in regards to quantities.
Which is why I have to completely abstain. Drinking only a few bottles is still incomprehensible to my brain. If I'm drinking, I'm drinking to black. And then some.
Every. Single. Time.
Imagine what drinking to blackout is doing to our brains. Whether is once a week, a month or a year.
You can do this. We can help.
XO AO