Dignity, Integrity and Marriage Restoration
I'm internally wrestling with myself here over what kind of person I will be if I accept my husband back (self worth) and what our marriage would even be like if I take him back.
On an individual level, if I'm a person who allows my spouse to abuse me and then I accept some apology (is there an apology great enough to make up for grabbing my arm with the intent to hurt and terrorize me? Ditto for telling our daughter I'm a *****. The only person I've ever had sex with is the same douche who said that.) and then carry on living with this person like we're hunky dory. How does that not make me a doormat? How does that not make me someone who can be trampled upon? I can't get over this. This is not a part of my personality (not normally anyway, I do realize it has become part of it for awhile because I obviously let myself be abused and then kept accepting my abuser back into my life & home, like an idiot), in general if someone hurts me in a malicious manner they're out for good, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I feel like my husband has successfully demolished his integrity and at the same time has stripped me of my dignity.
But let's say that I get over my individual issue of feeling reduced. As it pertains to marriage, how do you ever get equality and trust back? Right now, I own this show. I told my husband he was a bastard last night (because he is) and he just totally relented, took it and agreed with me. Granted, I shouldn't name call (even though he is a bastard) but I don't want to be married to someone who I think is a real piece of dung. My husband is a real piece of dung. He knows he is a real piece of dung. If I tell my BFF what has been going on, she's going to hate my husband. 99% of my mommy friends say that he doesn't deserve me and that I should leave him and look for greener pastures...which I know they're saying because they're normies but damn it, I want to be a normie too. Don't get me wrong, I really, beyond expressible measure appreciate you guys and everything this website is for but I'd like to go back to blissful ignorance about this website's existence.
I just cannot see beyond the current state. How can this ever be acceptable? I cannot wrap my mind around it.