Originally Posted by Climber122

Hi all - Happy New Year!

I wanted to put a conundrum to my AA friends and see what experience you can provide. I have a friend in AA who is really struggling with the guilt of his drinking past. I ordered a good book on guilt and shame which I hope will help me and him sift through his issue, but in the meantime I'd be interested in hearing how you have overcome guilt and shame in your own lives.

I was blessed to be able to accept my own shame and guilt and to allow steps 4, 5, 6 and 7 (and God's grace) to do their thing. But my friend feels very badly about his two young kids and how he believes they have been affected by his divorce and feels responsible for perceived damage that just isn't there - they are very young (3 and 6) and I keep telling him they will adjust as long as he establishes a healthy new life in sobriety and remains available to them as a sober, loving dad.

His marriage fell apart like many of ours do when we are drinking, but although he is sober he is still clinging to his ex for acceptance and a feeling of "normalcy" I think. He feels bad about how "hard" life is for her, and remains engaged in her affairs - babysitting, discussing plans, finances, covering for her when she is dating - without a plan or solid custody agreement. I really feel his guilt and/or shame is the motivator in all this. He allows her to manipulate him with shame, and constantly reminds him that he is "not well." She's not a bad person, but he really needs a clean break so he can sweep his side of the street and get busy living in the present!

He is almost two years sober but not living happy, joyous and free like we can when we work the steps. Do you think doing another inventory is in order? Do you have any experience you can share? Thanks!