Thanks for your responses all - thanks Music for the suggestion to look at self-pity - I will refer him to 62 and 63 and see how that sits, and try to encourage him to get more into his program - that's good advice. I will indeed keep care of myself too. I have learned to release the results of helping others to God - I do what I can and let go after that.
Kyrie - service is indeed a great idea - I had suggested he start making coffee or volunteer for setup/teardown. He may or may not take the suggestion though...
Sugarbear - that is EXACTLY the book I ordered - thanks! I am getting it more for me to process and being able to understand that aspect of the disease, since guilt is something I don't struggle with.
Fini - I know divorce can be messy - done that with 4 kids myself! So I'm not trying to excuse him from his responsibility as a parent, just keep him from beating himself up because he can't make things as "clean" as he wants. Thanks for you input.