Originally Posted by
Stung 
There is definitely something wrong with me and I can see how I perpetuate some of AH's behavior. I have been flirting back and forth with AH last night and this morning and then I called him this afternoon to tell him something funny just because and I had to hang up before he answered so I could put an end to my own nonsense.
HELLO!!! Where is my brain?! This fool has treated me worse than anyone I've ever known! WHY am I flirting with him?! I shouldn't even really be talking to him unless its regarding our kids, dog or money. Argh!!!!
Counseling appointment is set for next week and it can't get here soon enough.
I do similar things.
I think for me, because I'm not quite in a position to leave yet, I have to do effing SOMETHING to make this less unbearable. Does that make sense? I CAN'T EFFING TAKE the endless fights, anxiety, pain, pain, pain...I think I'm just trying to keep my sanity until I'm able to leave while he's not here or passed out drunk, as an action to back up all of this pain I feel, and the Times I've told him I can't wait to be free of him, which I'm sure he doesn't think I will do. Little does he know I'm stashing away money and getting my things in order, to do JUST THAT.
Wasn't even sure I wanted to leave him a letter. Told my therapist I was considering leaving a photo I snuck and took of him passed out, whites of eyes exposed/eyes rolled back in head (yuck, so sick of that face, even while awake his eyes roll back in his head all glazed over), drunk as Hell, with caption,"Thanks for the good times!" Lol. I was serious though lol.
She suggested, after laughing, that I should at least explain boundaries in a letter I leave, like don't call me etc.
But yeah...I think you do what you can to stay sane while you're in it, because otherwise it's too unbearable...when there's really nothing but hurt and disgust, it kills you inside...
Peace.