Thoughts from a crappy motel room lol
I'm writing from my motel room. I had to leave my parents' house because they live 90 mins from here and I have to work tomorrow. I left my five-year-old son there, playing Legos with grandpa. It's very safe, cozy, and loving there, so I thought it was best. I brought my little one with me and I'll take him to preschool tomorrow.
I'm a little worried about the logistics of the next month while I look for a place to live...but I can handle that. He is drunk again today, spoke to him once earlier. He rambled on, called me a few names and accused me of being a liar, etc.
I've been in a motel because of his drinking countless times, but this time is different. I haven't cried in days! That is HUGE for me. I'm not panicky, anxious, worried. I've spent the last few nights reading books on alcoholism and emotionally abusive men. It's like a lightbulb went off. I knew the information was out there, but I wasn't ready to take it in. It's amazing what learning about alcoholism does for you. Everything I've read is so dead-on. I see that I've been trying to reason with and understand a person who is very sick. None of this is my fault. There's nothing I could have done to be a better wife. No words will make this better. He's not ready. He is willing to give up everything for that drink. And that's ok. I don't have to be his emotional hostage anymore, sacrificing my own happiness for him. I deserve to be at peace and feel safe. If I ever let someone into my life again, it won't be until I feel healthy and strong enough to make a wise choice.
Emotional detachment (or the beginnings of it) feels so good. I've wanted to save myself for so long, but I felt helpless like I had no choice. But I am a mother and I can't force my boys to suffer this fate, mommy has to get them to a safe place. They shouldn't have to see me cry or the panicked look on my face when daddy goes out the front door.
I don't know how this will all work, but I can finally see the other side. Thank you everyone who has ever responded to my posts. I hope I can get healthy enough to help others the same way.