Thank you so much everyone, especially shooting star got such a great and comprehensive list. You've given me loads of things to get started on.
My plan is to ask him to leave and I'm 99% sure he'd do that, but on the chance he doesn't then I need a plan b or emergency plan if things go bad.
Although I might not even need to. Every 6 months of do he's tried to leave and in my finest codependant self I beg him to stay. He recently tried to leave again (he wasn't meant to be a family man, loves me but isn't in love with me, cd my stand my kids, had no joy in life, we hold him back blah blah blah). We're on a tense and horrid holiday and he's gettk g ready to explode. So I am preparing myself dig him to give me the leaving speech again, and this time I'll just 'let' him go.
Thx again!