PohsFriend

Serious question:

Should there be two or should this one take a step back and learn to be more aware of who is here?

I know that for many people, this forum is about the struggle to break free from an alcoholic and leave them behind. Sometimes that struggle involves unspeakable abuse, both the kind that leaves bruises and the kind that renders us too beaten down to act.

For others, their purpose here is to better understand and support an alcoholic who they love and wish to support through recovery.

Those two groups have a tendency to see the world a little bit differently and ruffle one another's feathers.


THose with hope for an alcoholic tend to get very negative feedback if they suggest that some alcoholics do recover and go on to happy, productive lives with their family. The simple truth is that there are many alcoholics who do enter and stick to a program like AA and they go on to a better life and many others do not.

I've gotten offended and have done some offending as a result of the dichotomy present here.

For someone who is at the point of despair and working up the strength to end a relationship I can see where it would be very hard to see someone else's prayers answered after so many of their own falling on deaf ears.

Likewise, for those who are seeking a happy ending in the face of long odds it is soul crushing to hear "yeah but" and "Just wait" as a response to any good news.


So first, my apologies for not being sensitive to the fact that it is hard to hear about an alcoholic who has gotten into recovery, worked a program relentlessly and more or less gone from worm to butterfly. I can understand where that could be painful to see.

Likewise I think there could be more sensitivity to those who are holding on to hope while the outcome is murky. I was never certain things would work out for us and I am not certain they will in the future because nobody is. It took every ounce of my strength and nearly broke my heart during the bad times and there is a difference between ensuring that someone understands the challenge in front of them.

There probably should be two forums, one for those seeking a better tomorrow with an alcoholic and another for those seeking a better future without one.

Until there is, I know I can do a better job of being sensitive to those who are looking for a bittersweet happy ending that is different from the one I seek and your struggle represents the deepest fears I had to set aside and ignore in order to cope when things seemed hopeless.

We should take what we want, leave the rest and understand that we all arrive here for different reasons but none of them are good. Some may provide us with hope, others with caution but all can add to our understanding and that is valuable. Whether someone is having a good day or a bad day here, they sure as hell didn't arrive here on a good one and while I've been hurt and offended by some things I've read I realize that I've hurt and offended others and that was not intended.

Whether you are here to find support as you work toward a future with an alcoholic or away from them I hope to learn from you and hope that whether the journey my wife and I are on provides you with hope or a bitter reminder that sometimes prayers are answered 'no'... I pray that we all make the best decisions we can with the tools that we have at the point where we are and that our time here gives us better tools to make better decisions for a better tomorrow because we learn from one another's triumphs and setbacks, hopes and disappointments and never lose sight of the fact that none of us has all the answers or even knows all the questions. Some who hurt or offend me teach me more than those who offer encouragement. For me, I ask why I am offended. Sometimes it is because they have a point. Sometimes it is because they are dead wrong. The former makes me wiser, the latter reinforces what I think and makes me look to see if I am missing something.


So.. maybe one forum, maybe two.... in either case awareness is important.

Apologies if my insensitivity, real or perceived, has ever caused you unhappiness and my thanks if I gave you hope or helped you in any way because two years ago I remember lying on the floor at the ER in tears faced with a sense of despair and powerlessness that was soul shattering and terrifying. Some folks here soothed and encouraged, some said things like "She was a train wreck when you met her, she's a train wreck now and she'll be a train wreck tomorrow". The latter infuriated me but may have done more good - it made me take stock of my wife (Then girlfriend) and forced me to evaluate what was true and what wasn't. Like all of us, she has imperfections and she has attributes. The alcoholism scared me and made me think very hard but I saw too much good to quit so long as she was willing to fight for her own survival. She did. Sometimes prayers are answered with a yes. Sometimes with a no, sometimes with a 'yes for today, tomorrow is up to you'.

I hope you get a yes and if not, I hope the 'no' you get is one you look back on and and realize that you got the right answer but were asking the wrong question because God had a better plan in mind that you were not ready for and the painful lessons are the most impactful sometimes. I would not have had the power to believe past the 'statistics' two years ago had I not left some oncologists scratching their heads two years before. The day I heard that I had cancer and the odds weren't betting odds was one I never expected to be the BEST turning point in my life but it was. Funny how easy it is to find the good in a day you were not supposed to have or accept the uncertainty of tomorrow when you've had 1000+ tomorrows you were not supposed to have.