Jarp, I am so sorry that alcoholism has brought you to this in your life, AND very proud of you for being able to see and not deny the truth.
I am not an accountant, lawyer, financial planner or any kind of expert about any of this. I’m just sharing what I learned for myself having gone through having to leave my alcoholic husband suddenly 18 months ago. So take what I say with a grain or two of salt.
There are lots of ways to think about and prepare to leave your AH, depending on your situation. Your have children, and a young son, and it is imperative that you keep your family safe. So, if it were me, I'd make an emergency plan first so that you have a quick safe exit route should you need it.
That means having a safe place to go if you need to leave quickly, and enough clothing, medicine, minimal toys and such to get along for a few days for each of you.
• Extra set of keys, including car keys and house keys.
• Extra phone charger, and perhaps an extra “throw away” phone with pre-purchased minutes.
• List of contacts with phone numbers/e-mail like doctors, school, friends, carpool parents, kids activity contact numbers that is not just on your phone.
• Copy of your computer bookkeeping software on a flash drive
• Copy of bank accounts, credit cards, retirement accounts, etc. with account numbers, account names, phone numbers, addresses, and whether you are listed first or second on the acccounts.
• A list of all the web-sites, user names, and passwords for your acounts, joint accounts and,if you can get them quietly, his only accounts
• Copies of insurance policies, trusts if any, deeds, car titles, mortgage terms, etc.
As for what to do right away, I’d say make sure your finances are well in hand now. My husband took my name off all the credit cards except the one where I was listed first. So, right now, get a couple all purpose credit cards in your name only with as high a credit limit as possible. Set up your own bank account, in your name only, and have the statements sent some place else. If you haven't, start to establish your own credit history in your owm name.
Find out exactly what the procedure is to have your paycheck direct deposited into your own account so you can do that immediately upon leaving. Figure out what you need for a very short term emergency budget, then a short-term “I have to live somewhere” budget, then a longer term maintenance budget for maintaining a separated household.
So what I’m basically saying is do first what you’ll need if you have to leave suddenly, and what you’ll need to live apart and file for divorce if you can’t get back into your house again. My husband changed the locks. I was glad I had copied al the bookkeeping files and documents. He did not file proper financial numbers, and that was quickly conceded and corrected when I was able to show the Quicken files he had kept with the true values of property. I thought he was hiding money, but it turned out that he gambled some away on the stock market.
You are wise to quietly get your name on the house deed ASAP. If you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have rights to it, but it is easier with the joint ownership. Since you were married before, and have other property, get any data on what the value of the property was when you got married, and proof that you both paid for it while you were married so that you can claim part of its value even if it is not in your name.
Immediately upon leaving, I transferred half of our joint cash assets into my account so that I had equal access to cash as he did. This took away a lot of his leverage to freeze me out financially and make me come back because I could not afford to live on my own. His lawyer was not happy, but my lawyer countered that there was no reason I couldn’t have half of those assets in my name and I had not and would not spend them or dissipate them.
It was a very acrimonious financial divorce negotiation because my AH alternately hoped to force me back by proving to me I could only survive financially under his thumb, or punishing me for leaving. I had to play hardball. My lawyer was tough enough to stand up for me and refuse to, at my insistence, capitulate on anything that was not fair.
Some lawyers kind of “pull their punches” by telling their client “the Judge will never approve this, so let’s go in with something much less and see what we get”. I refused to do that and said I didn’t care and couldn’t control what a Judge might eventually rule. I said "Right now, we are negotiating directly with an angry brilliant alcoholic who wants to punish me", and I refused to give an inch.
Ultimately I think the settlement was as good as it could be. I conceded some points, but only when I got something in return. I didn’t want to punish my XAH; I only wanted to leave him. I wanted as fair a share as possible since starting over at 63 was a bit later than optimal.
And now I am doing what I have to make it work, and I am excited about my next edition of life and very happy on my own.
Help this hopes,
ShootingStar1