What is so odd is if I am in a moment of being totally honest with myself I've known I had a problem for years. I just sort of avoided addressing it internally. Finally a number of things pushed me over the edge.
The first being that 6 months ago an ex who I've always been very emotionally connected to hit a point with his drinking he missed several filing deadlines (we're both attorneys), began engaging in very high risk behaviors, etc. I dropped everything to rush across the country and help force him into treatment. At 6 months sober he wrote me a very heartfelt amends letter. And he asked me to forgive him for not trying to help me. I was like "woah this guy has been off the charts dysfunctional for two years and he sees I have problems. Maybe I do have problems."
The second was an overdose. It was accidental but it made me realize my physical dependence and realizing I was physically dependent hit me like a ton of bricks.
I did what I was supposed to do. I immediately went to an addiction medicine specialist, I got a therapist, I made a plan and started to executing. I am just having such a hard time actually getting out there and engaging in recovery because this is not supposed to be happening to me. I am glad I found this board and I am hoping it will help me get the confidence to leave my house and actually go to a meeting.
Thank you all very much.