First Post
Hi there,
I've been reading this forum since Sunday, which was my Day 1. What an incredible resource this place is. What strikes me most is how I keep reading things I could have written. I always thought I was the only one being so sneaky and secretive about drinking but obviously I wasn't. Even though I'd never wish it one anyone, it does make me feel so much better to know I'm not alone in this battle.
One of my struggles right now is who to tell. As you can imagine, most people I am friends with and see socially are big drinkers. When we are out and about, no one ever chooses not to drink. I saw a small group of people on Monday (day 2) and couldn't bring myself to say I quit drinking so I ended up saying I am on a medication that doesn't mix with alcohol (which is actually true, I'm on bloodthinners -- but it's never stopped me from drinking before). They all accepted that and nothing more was said but if they knew I'd decided to quit drinking altogether, it would be really strange. I have to be okay with just not seeing a lot of those people anymore.
I haven't told my parents (one of whom is a functioning alcoholic) and I've only told two friends and my ex-husband. I had to tell him because I had a horrible night where my kids saw me very drunk (my rock bottom), told him and he immediately threatened action if I didn't stop drinking. Which was fine because when I woke up that morning I'd already made the choice. His threat gives me accountability, as does knowing they're becoming old enough to have awareness and to remember things that happen to them now.
My other question is how to go about my recovery. I don't have a plan though I do know that will power is never going to be enough. I'm trying to decide between an outpatient thing (which I understand usually includes AA) or just AA. And here. I love coming here and can see why it is such a help to so many of you. I'm happy I came across this place.
I'm all over the place in this post but I am very relieved to have finally decided to quit drinking. It's so exhausting to live that other life, to keep up with all the lies and secrets, to try to piece together nights I can barely remember, to try to fake it in the morning when I'm so hungover. It was just making me so . . . tired. And sad. And ashamed. God, the guilt is so, so awful. Like a huge monster always looming over me. I feel like every moment that has passed since Sunday is a moment closer I am to a new life of clarity and honesty and real moments that I will remember. It makes me able to exhale and feel hopeful again.
Okay, enough rambling for now. Thanks for listening.