Day five wobble
Day five today, and once again as always happens, the wobble has started and my mind has started wandering. Five days ago I'd decided enough was enough, I'd had enough of feeling like crap, of waking up feeling lethargic and tired and of wasting my money for something I just didn't get any enjoyment out of. And now, after a few days of feeling fresh and having not drunk, the cravings are coming back and the mind is starting to ask the same old questions.
Why shouldn't I just have a few beers for the football tonight? It's Christmas this week, am I really going to deny myself a few beers? With January just a week away, why not just enjoy a few beers over the next few days and start from scratch as was the original plan? A new year, a new start. And I think it's that final point that's nagging away at me the most. For the past 18 years I've always had a drink on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Every year without fail. It's what Christmas is for, right? And it's SO easy to use January as the excuse to drink for the rest of the year, who gives anything up halfway through the last month of the year?
Of course, I also have the common sense voice ringing around in my head. There's a reason why I'm feeling fresh, why on earth would I want to wake up on Christmas Eve or Day with that horrible feeling when the kids will be so excited? And surely if I'm serious about giving up then I'll be sober every Christmas, so what better time to start and show intent by staying sober this Christmas? And most importantly, remember how I felt the last few 'days after' and what prompted me to sign up to this site in the first place.
I'm still reading Allen Car, and just like it did the first time, everything he says makes complete sense to me. Yet I still feel this urge and wonder how I'll ever stay off the beers. I know he advocates drinking until you've finished the book, but to use that as an excuse would be a major cop out. I signed up here last Wednesday afternoon and then proceeded to have a few beers in the evening. I did state that my intention was to go dry in January but when I logged back in that evening, a few beers up, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and guilt. There I was, drinking, whilst quite a few people all going through their own struggles, had taken the time to welcome me and wish me support. What a joke.
Funnily enough, this weekend was made easier by the fact I was working all of it. I was surrounded by people drinking all day on both Saturday and Sunday but never had a single urge for a drink. Yet here I am on a Monday afternoon spending hours on end thinking about it. It just doesn't make sense.
Anyway, I guess the point of this is just to put down in writing how I'm feeling, doing so has actually already made me feel better. I'm under no illusions that this next week is going to be as tough as it will ever be but then I'm here for a reason and need to make sure I always remember that.
Time to enjoy an alcohol free Christmas with my kids.