Emmy, this isn't about YOU. It never was. His drinking, his anger, his hatred of life... None of it has anything to do with you. He is an alcoholic and is doing what alcoholics do. You could scrub your floors until the cows come home and it won't make a lick of difference. You can't fix him. You can't fix a marriage that has been ravaged by alcoholism. You just can't, and you shouldn't have to think that you can. You didn't cause any of it, you can't control it. You are being abused, plain and simple. There are people and organizations that can help you. Please get in touch with a domestic violence center as soon as possible.