It's 8:25 pm. I would have just got back from the bottle store (2nd trip for the day) which closes at 8pm because, no matter how much alcohol I had in the house, I was scared of running out.
If my daughter was home I would have had to make up a stupid excuse which she wouldn't have believed to explain my trip to the shop. I would hide the alcohol in my garden (she checked the car) until she went to sleep then I would sneak out to fetch it. If she wasn't home I would be relieved that I wouldn't have to control my drinking TOO much until she went to bed. I would spend the night berating myself for all the things I didn't get done during the day and hoping that nobody would phone me so I didnt have to pretend to be sober. In between feeling sorry about how unhappy I was and planning how I was going to 'pay them all back' for causing problems in my life. That was when I was happiest, drinking myself stupid and wallowing in those resentments.
This evening I went for a walk with my mom, then we went for a nice dinner, ate outside watching the sun set. I had a productive day (started in my garden at 6am) doing small things around the house that I never seem to get to. I just spoke to my daughter who is away visiting relatives. I had a decent conversation and didn't have to hear the anxiety and unspoken disapproval in her voice because she can hear I am drunk and she is terrified for me and angry with me.
I will read awhile, have a good bath and fall asleep thinking of how grateful I am for the life I live now.
Thanks for this thread, it reminded me just how bad things were 8 1/2 months ago. If anyone had told me I would spend my evening like this AND BE CONTENT about it, I never would have believed it.