Hi hon. Sounds like you're where I am. I'm on day 1 again after going through another bout of withdrawal that my husband weaned me out of because I was kindling hardcore and the hospitals won't detox me anymore. That's how many times I've fallen since this began 3 years ago.
Today all I can think is: Why why why. I honestly thought the last time was the last time.
Not everyone here thinks this is a disease but I do. It's a mental one that takes control and tries to strip you of your life. I don't quite agree with the victim mentality of AA but I certainly can't argue with them that I am powerless over this, much like how my husband is powerless over his kidney disease. He can do things to manage it but he can't cure it.
You've let no one down. You know why? Because you picked yourself up again and came on here. You did yourself proud. So many of the people who suffer from this deny there's anything wrong with them and drink themselves to death. You've already done the hardest part.
You can get through this.