Autan - you are completely right. I could scrounge and save every penny to make sure rent would get paid.... 2 days earlier, and I'd still need to pay a late fee. I spent $4 a day on the bus, but then I realized I could walk and have a drink at the end of the night for the same amount and at least feel relaxed for a brief moment in time.
Yes, I am escaping. Why wouldn't I want to escape? I wake up in the morning to work a crap job for barely above minimum wage where I bust my ass for little to nothing. I could also quit eating most food and eat ramen for every meal and be able to pay the rent. And for what?
I guess I came here tonight because I feel hopeless. I haven't drank in a week, but I feel so hopeless that little purchases here and there don't matter. I quit taking the bus and started walking. I eat a free meal at work and then nothing else for the rest of the day. I save and scrounge... only to still be hundreds of dollars short on rent. Me not buying a $4 dollar bottle of wine will not help that I still need $300 for my rent.
I'm not trying to excuse my drinking, though it probably sounds like I am. The fact is, even if I walked to and from work every day, never drank, and only ate food from pantries, I'd be miserable and poverty stricken and late on rent. I'm just at the bottom.