Except that drain is my throat.
Well, since I last posted here, I have drank alcohol. But I have not had any 'bad' things happen. We can thank the universe for small miracles.
There are so many thoughts racing through my mind right now that it is very hard to stop one and think about it rationally. What the hell am I doing? Wasting money, mimicking my drug addict parents, running from my feelings, running from my circumstances, giving up... trying to get fukked up so I don't have to realize the dead end ******** my life has become?
And the worst part is, my life isn't ******** because of drinking. I used to make great money - at 21 I was making 4K a month as a sales rep for an electronics company. At 23, I was an administrator at an insurance company making 15$ an hour. Now? All I can find is 8$/hr jobs washing dishes in kitchens, and not even for full time.
I have no car, I have no savings, I have no help from family or friends. I keep running to a bottle so I can drink it and forget that I'm alive. I don't want to hurt or kill myself... but when you are trying to drink yourself into stupidity so your brain doesn't have to wrap itself around the colossal fukkup your life is, what else can be done?
I live in America. I look for new jobs *every day* online and in real life and through networking. I walk 45 minutes each way to and from work so I don't have to pay the bus recently... in the snow. And it's 12 degrees outside at 6am when I leave. I am not lazy, I am not complaining because I can't find a dream job or whatever... I just want to be able to pay my freaking bills and survive. My partner and I even rented out our extra room this month to a stranger so we would have more money to pay bills. Two working people can't pay a 2-bed apartment?? What is happening?!
I'm sorry. Bad night. Not even drinking... just thinking about how awful my situation is, and how I will never get out of this hole again. Thanks American corporations and government - you've done us a great service. /sarcasm.