Day 3
Sorry for posting daily updates, but right now this is really my only outlet and I need to keep focused.
So I'm still feeling the guilt and remorse after my behaviour on Saturday that got me kicked out of a party- behaviour I don't remember at all and no one has filled me in, partly because I dont really want to know. However, the fallout has included nothing bad per se. The person who kicked me out said it was nothing personal I'd just done something to wind up her friends and they thought I should leave. I dont know what I said to them, part of me worries about that. What exactly DID I say that resulted in two strangers wanting me to be removed? Probably nothing as bad as what I'm thinking. There are certain things whilst drunk I never say or do- especially not randomly to two complete strangers. So I imagine it was more a case of I was just extremely drunk, rambly and making them uncomfortable as opposed to anything specific I said. But still, rational brain is telling me if it had been anything collossally bad or stupid I *would* have heard about it. But for the next few days at least that will still weigh on my mind but it is less so than yesterday.
Also, the "you're fine, you'll be okay to drink" voice is a little more confident- BUT, I am also a little more confident I can ignore it. Though that may be still party of the residual guilt from Saturday keeping it in check. If I dont get a text or phone call (I've deleted Facebook) in the next few days saying "What the f*ck did you think you were doing Saturday?" then I think my guilt will entirely subside. And my mind will start being more receptive to the idea of drinking.
I know I have to keep certain things in mind. I *DO* have a problem. I really do, and I can't let the AV get any control. Some people can't drink, I am one of them and I need to remember that. Its only a matter of time before I say or do something catastrophically bad and its going to cost me friends, family and possibly police involvement. Though I cannot imagine what this big thing is that I'd do, I know that it is only a matter of time before I do *something* unforgivable. Not necessarily illegal, but certainly bad enough that I've gone too far.
I also need to remember how good I feel when I have periods of abstinence. I dont think someone who has never dealt with alcohol abuse problems can truly appreciate just how wonderful waking up without a hangover is. And its not just the day after hangover, its the following few days as your body readjusts, which you dont let it do because you've drank again.
I need tor remember how productive I am when clean. How much of a nicer person I am, how much I dont scare my housemate when I'm sober. And I need to remember this is progressive- I may not be a "wake at 8 am and start on the vodka daily" level of drinker, but left unchecked it WILL get to the stage.
In these early days I need to remember- I have a problem. I'm an alcoholic. I can't just let that little voice win. I am not a normal drinker and never will be. And if I want to keep the friends that I have and the respect I have earned I need to cut off this demons oxygen supply.
Again, sorry for posting daily updates. I kinda need it right now.