Originally Posted by
PaulOwen 
Hey guys. I wrote the other night about my decision to go out then my deciding against that. I'm on my 133rd day and here's where I'm at:
I just got off the phone with who I presume is now my ex-sponsor. I told him Saturday that because of my lack of physical evidence and being 22, I needed to test the waters again. He said that he had a conversation with another guy who took him through the steps yesterday that said that I absolutely had to go and test the waters. Hearing this when I made the decision not to after saying to myself and others I was going out to drinking and smoke a joint that night was SO ******* frustrating.
I've been involved in AA up until this point, but I honestly attribute some of its policies that are in the literature and spread by word of mouth to my feeling like I should go out the other night. In the past few weeks I've heard people talking about "earning their seat" and how people without extensive or destructive histories haven't yet, either by their own decree or by others. Well, after the other day of having to look over my decision, I felt my conscience overrun by the feelings I had when I was smoking weed on daily basis and drinking in excess at certain points. This reversed my decision.
I'm at the point now where I'm still going to go to AA meetings because support of another is absolutely necessary as far as I'm concerned. Am I entirely powerless over drugs/alcohol though? I don't think so. Is this a reason for me to go back out there? NO! Will this inevitably mean that I'm doomed to go out there regardless, eventually? I hope not, but I'm sick of feeling like this is the case because people in AA tells me it's so.
As far as a belief in a higher power... The other night I had this idea that my "God" would be simply that pull towards what I consider the right thing in the midst of internal conflict. It's not necessarily a higher power, but instead the best of my morality. It's still my will, my free will, that ultimately ends up making the decision. I absolutely refuse to believe that just because I ask for a sign from God and then my tire blows out on the road that that's an answer. As far as I'm concerned, it's the most egotistical thing for a person to believe that just because they're an alcoholic and give up their "will" to god that whatever that is just starts answering calls like a messaging service. Sorry if this conception offends anyone, it's just how I feel.
Anyway, I have a question. Has anyone had experience with taking themselves through the 12 steps? I'm thinking I want to do this and go over step 5 with my psychologist, who understands me and my history. Anyway, thanks to all for listening and their support recently. It really has helped immensely.
Paul, we have about the same sobriety time - your a bit a head of me and I can relate to EXACTLY your experience. For me it was the people and not the program but this was difficult for me to see at first. Also, after I went through a rough patch, last week actually it helped me accept step #1. I was actually moving away from the program subconsciously with the hopes of drinking again one day. As this grew in my mind the obsessions came back with full velocity and hit me hard - I stayed sober but this was what I needed to understand who I am and who I will never be.
I find a typical response in AA if you have a question is "go out and drink, you will be back." I don't think this is the program but the Fellows who state this always go back to the BB as a rationalizing. Again, this is the people not the program.
If you have had a relatively high bottom, as it sounds like you may have, it is difficult to stick with the program bc of the what ifs. At least this was the case for me until this past Friday. If you have lost everything then AA serves as your only life raft and you hold on with every once of your being.
The Steps go back in time in many religions - try reading Happiness Hypothesis. I think doing it on your own is not being honest with yourself - truth be told. You want another perspective and you open yourself up to cutting corners and in step #7 you can do more harm than good in Amends - it helps to go through it with someone. So before you entertain it solo, I would suggest finding another sponsor and other meetings too.
You may want to check out Rational Recovery, which has worked well for many on this site. Again, for me I am sticking with my step work through AA but I am not arrogant enough to discard other good programs out there.
Good luck