Originally Posted by PaulOwen

Hey guys. I wrote the other night about my decision to go out then my deciding against that. I'm on my 133rd day and here's where I'm at:

I just got off the phone with who I presume is now my ex-sponsor. I told him Saturday that because of my lack of physical evidence and being 22, I needed to test the waters again. He said that he had a conversation with another guy who took him through the steps yesterday that said that I absolutely had to go and test the waters. Hearing this when I made the decision not to after saying to myself and others I was going out to drinking and smoke a joint that night was SO ******* frustrating.

I've been involved in AA up until this point, but I honestly attribute some of its policies that are in the literature and spread by word of mouth to my feeling like I should go out the other night. In the past few weeks I've heard people talking about "earning their seat" and how people without extensive or destructive histories haven't yet, either by their own decree or by others. Well, after the other day of having to look over my decision, I felt my conscience overrun by the feelings I had when I was smoking weed on daily basis and drinking in excess at certain points. This reversed my decision.

I'm at the point now where I'm still going to go to AA meetings because support of another is absolutely necessary as far as I'm concerned. Am I entirely powerless over drugs/alcohol though? I don't think so. Is this a reason for me to go back out there? NO! Will this inevitably mean that I'm doomed to go out there regardless, eventually? I hope not, but I'm sick of feeling like this is the case because people in AA tells me it's so.

As far as a belief in a higher power... The other night I had this idea that my "God" would be simply that pull towards what I consider the right thing in the midst of internal conflict. It's not necessarily a higher power, but instead the best of my morality. It's still my will, my free will, that ultimately ends up making the decision. I absolutely refuse to believe that just because I ask for a sign from God and then my tire blows out on the road that that's an answer. As far as I'm concerned, it's the most egotistical thing for a person to believe that just because they're an alcoholic and give up their "will" to god that whatever that is just starts answering calls like a messaging service. Sorry if this conception offends anyone, it's just how I feel.

Anyway, I have a question. Has anyone had experience with taking themselves through the 12 steps? I'm thinking I want to do this and go over step 5 with my psychologist, who understands me and my history. Anyway, thanks to all for listening and their support recently. It really has helped immensely.