I haven't tried coda but Alanon helps me a lot.
I have learned that from a young age I learned to manipulate others by being good.
(If I am very good mommy will love me more kind of thing), I also felt responsible for t so much that was not under my control (i still do sometimes).
I have started to understand that my parents, being affected by alcoholism themselves, did their best and that I was truly a great kid despite my mom telling me she wanted to give me away because I was out of control. (I wasn't).
I have learned that as far as communication goes, I really suck (but getting better a bit I hope).I expect people to know what I want and it's very hard for me to say no at times (though I am getting better) not just to my addict but everyone (for example:"No I will not drive you to the airport" or "no I will not watch your violent son").
I have realized that it is my having grown up in a family affected by alcoholism that led me to have relationships with addicts and alcoholics (using or not). I don't think I had one relationship with someone who didn't struggle with addiction at some point in their life! It was so strange to meet other women who have had the same experience.
I know I feel more comfortable with people who were affected by the disease too, and feel threatened by people I perceive as "normal".
I do not want to perpetuate this with my daughter.
I feel like I am healing.It is a slow process and to tell the truth I am not working my program enough. It is sometimes hard when I am with my child almost 24/7 to find time to work the steps.
There is so much more but that's what came to my mind about how Alanon helped me.
Some of it I was kind of aware before but now I know it is how growing up in a dysfunctional family affected me.
I hope you check out the Alanon schedule (or coda) and try to find something that works for you.I would also recommend buying the book "how Alanon works for families and friends of alcoholics". It's only $6 or $7 usually and is a great read. Some meetings are better than others, if one doesn't seem that great you can try another.
By the way, I don't know how long your wife has been drinking but small kids see themselves as the centre of the universe and they feel like they caused the situation, that if they had been better, smarter, prettier things would have been better. It is intense.Whether it's Alateen or some therapy I think your daughter must really need some help dealing with what she has to deal with. What does she even tell her classmates? Does she have friends come over? Is she depressed? Does she lie to cover up what is going on? Does she have to pass on some great opportunities?
I just took a parenting class (not related to Alanon) and the teacher kept saying
"you can't water your garden with an empty watering can" so take care of yourself, fill that can.