jarp

I am so worn out, angry and sad today.

After many years my AH finally went back to the psychiatrist he used to see but stopped seeing about 7 years (at the time we got together).

He has his first session last night and came home full of beans.

There was a lot of good things the psych said, but AH reports he says/ they discovered that:

- I AM the cause of his drinking. Apparently he is drinking to avoid coming home, because he doesn't like being with me or the kids. If he liked coming home then he wouldn't escape to the pub. This conveniently ignores the fact that a) he's been drinking alcoholically for 20 or more years, b) he drinks at the pub regardless of whether I am here or not - actually drinks more, and c) you know what buddy? sometimes after working all day I don't feel like coming home to do dinner, homework, baths, cleaning and then facing his drunk bum either....but I do it because I am a grown up.

- His drinking isn't really a problem...sure he likes a drink, sure he drinks too much, and sure he uses it as an escape. But it would be wrong to focus on the drinking as an issue because it is not the issue. I agree that there are many, many issues....but HOW on earth do you fix those issues when someone is drunk at least 5 days of the week??

- that we don't talk, and I don't listen to him. He can take the tens of thousands of hours I have wasted sitting there chewing endlessly over all his problems in life (real and imagined) and shove them somewhere 'rude'. Literally hours and hours. All his family problems, work issues, disasters with friends, everything. What a waste.

- that he needs to make a decision about our relationship. That we never decided to be together...we just happened. At which point did we not make decisions? When we decided to go ahead with our pregnancy together? Bought a house together? When he asked me to marry him?

It also makes me hurt and angry that he has caused me SO much hurt and pain which remains unexpressed whilst he gets to sit there and make unilateral decisions about MY future. never does he think for one minute that I might not wish to continue our relationship.

And not once does he think f my feelings. I am trying to be encouraging about him getting help but I did say to him that I am not inhuman and he'll have to try to find a little compassion if I have some sort of reaction to his words.

I really do hate him at the moment, its all too much.

And I hate myself and my own fear about being alone. I have started therapy but obviously its a process.

I am reading Co-dependent no more and am doing the exercises and thought I was learning to detach. But from my overwhelming feelings last night, my lack of sleep, and my depression today I guess Im not doing as well as I thought.

Sorry for the essay.....I guess I'm using this as a bit of a journal, in a safe place, where people understand and aren't going to judge me!

Any pointers...soft or hard would be so welcome.