sourcranberry

Sorry if this is a little long and convoluted?

I broke up with my abusive alcoholic boyfriend, moved 4000 miles away from him across an ocean and told him (halfheartedly) that if he got sober and stayed sober at least a year, I would consider talking with him about starting over. We have a 10 month old daughter together and I brought her with me. (He has no claim to custody as she is not a citizen of his country).

He went into treatment (he is in a European country and 12-step is not the typical model there for addiction treatment). I found out last week through a friend that he was drunk again. Then he called me on Skype Friday, drunk, and proceeded to send me the typical barrage of abusive messages when I wouldn't talk to him.

This morning, I told him that there is now no chance that I want to be with him, ever, in the future. I told him that we would make arrangements for him to see his daughter, if he wanted that, at some point in the future.

HOWEVER, he does not seem to believe that I am actually serious. He has tried every manipulative trick in the book today, from attacking me with the most venom he can muster, to telling me that I am "his treasure" and that he will do everything to give us a future and that I am cruel and heartless for not believing him. Oh, and he blames his relapse on the "too-strong" medication that his psychiatrist put him on at treatment. (The first excuse was that a friend bought him a mulled wine and it would have been rude to turn him down.) I have pointed out the incongruity of everything he has said to me. There is also, of course, the hell he put me through for two years. Up until this point his treatment seemed to be working--he had acknowledged all the abuse I had suffered and that it was his fault and a result of the drinking. However, because I am now saying "no, I don't want a relationship" to him, all of his treatment-acquired rationality is out the window.

I'm pretty sure he thinks that I am going to change my mind, and at earlier times, I may have been fooled by his promises. Anyway, my question is now where to go from here. I blew off probably too much steam on him today, and I am now thinking I will try a conservative approach: just responding to him with short, matter-of-fact answers when he contacts me. He will hate this, of course. He's already threatened to kill himself once today and I expect more of that sort of thing, along with more verbal abuse, accusations, threats, and email harassment. I seem not to be strong enough just to block his emails, etc. There is also the issue that blocking him in this manner just makes him madder. (Of course, he claims that I, not him, am the real problem because I won't talk to him about "our relationship" and that blocking him on Skype "isn't helping us to move forward.")

If it wasn't for the fact that we have a daughter and the fact that he owes me $18000, (which he is so far reliably sending small payments on each month, along with child support), I would sever contact entirely.

So I guess what I am asking is what can I do to smooth things with a totally irrational alcoholic and still maintain my own sanity? A friend suggested that I just tell him what he wants to hear, since I don't actually have to see him in person. But I am not a dishonest person deep down, and I can't live with saying things that aren't true just to assuage his ego and keep money coming. I do not want to be in a romantic relationship of any kind with this man.

I have lost the entire day to this insanity and I fear that there are many more days like this looming in the future.