post night 10 reflections
I just finished night 10, and I've got some thoughts/feelings I need to get off my chest. Disclaimer: I'm just going to write this out, so it might be a bit jumbled and incoherent.
In my mind, I keep coming back to this sentence: I am a 42 year old man who has been struggling with alcohol since I was 12. That makes me want to frickin cry. But the thing is, if we met on the street and started talking, there would be no indication. I was a college-level athlete, have 2 degrees, work at a university and community college, have 2 great kids, and a wife I love very much--but this is the surface.
As this narrative of my life was unfolding I was exhibiting frighteningly addictive behavior. Here is the horrifying sub-narrative to my life (hate revealing this): In 7th grade, worried that I would become alcoholic, I started putting notches in my dresser for each time I drank. I still have that dresser and I just went and counted the notches: 18 (for the 7th grade school year only). I came home drunk on my 13th birthday. I did so many stupid things while drunk in high school. after high school, I once broke into a liquor store. I woke up in the drunk tank, not knowing how I got there. I woke up not knowing how I got home, only to be called by a friend to ask if I was okay--I had taken my car out. I could go on. I got sober for a year and a half and eventually fell right back. As I got older, the wildness subsided, but I continued drinking, irresponsibility taking new forms. Now I am here and feeling incredibly guilty about what has been behind the curtain, hidden to most. I can't dwell on the past, I know, but man as I start to clear up, I see a very troubled person below the public me. Why didn't I read the signs early on? Why did I not take this seriously? Why did I not see?
Blah! I just needed to get that off my chest. I am being haunted by that sentence. I need to revise it. Any suggestions? I want to live without regret of the past. I have to let this go, right?
But I don't want to forget, there's the rub, the paradox.