Wow, that's a really honest post Pam and it must have been so hard to write. You know what you have here. This isn't easy. No one has the right to judge anyone, all that we can do is hope that there's going to be something that kicks in for you that helps you to get to that place where you can be successful.
I have a question regarding this part of your post:
The last time was last night and I was in a total blackout drunk. Please don't bother asking me what my plan is to stay sober. I don't have one and am not sure right now that I want sobriety.
That's a tough couple of sentences to read. I think I get what you're saying though. Do you mean that due to the fact that even after drinking yourself into a blackout that you don't have a plan which must mean that you can only interpret that as not wanting sobriety?
Sending a whole lot of love your way my friend! Please don't give up, we're here for you!