Hi bird,
How was your Thanksgiving? I hope you had a good one. I had a great time. Was with my friends. Really traditional styled friends. They have all these great xmas decorations. They remember each one lovingly, and if someone gave them something like a tree ornament, they remember the time each time they hang that ornament on the tree. I'm still like bah humbug about christmas. One was questioning me about tradition for me. I told them I need a new one. I just wanted to be surrounded with people who actually like me, and don't run away from me.!!!!!!!! It's nice to be with these friends of mine, they actually gave me their house to live in so I could leave my ex, and they were his friends also.
In case you wonder how I made it for 27 years, I'll explain. I didn't really see it for a long time. When we got married, my father had just died, she was having trouble with the bills, so we lived with her. So he didn't act like that, but........... when I think back
I saw it beginning.
Started when we were dating. This may sound really stupid, but we went away for a weekend. I bought my 8 track player with me (yes, I'm that old !!!!!! lol), and brought some of my 8 tracks to play. Well I put on Abba, (don't know if you know them), and he walked out of the room, didn't return for 6 hours. I thought it was because of my choice of music !!!!!!!!!!!!! Came back after drinking, and acted like nothing happened, wanted to take me out to dinner.
Well anyway that was in the first 2 years of dating. There were a few other things like that, and I always tried to make everything right. After all it's a new relationship, you need to make adjustments and compromises, right ??????????
So now we are married, living with my mother, he was sort of OK, but not really. Just didn't want to fight about things, so I let things go, and he had to prove to my mom, what a perfect guy he is.
Things went really bad when we bought our own home. He didn't have to pretend to the world anymore.
So will try to make a long story short.
Through all of the years that I was with him, I found out that he had no empathy. None at all. Went to a psychologist with him who told me that your H was the emotional intelligence of a 7 year old, and that if my H was willing to put in a lot of hard work, that he might be able to increase that to a 13 yr old.
He really had no empathy, now I am not saying he was a psychopath, or sociopath, he just could not feel anything about how I felt, he was only able to feel his own feelings, but he would not express any of them.
He was also physically abusive, and that was the only time that he showed concern for me, but it wasn't really me that he was concerned about, it was how it would affect him.
The times with taking me place or being with me on my birthday or for Christmas, it was because he felt obligated to do this, so that other people would think well of him. He did it for him, not for me.
He did know how to socially act in an acceptable way. But it was all just an act. I am not saying of this to knock him or because I am upset about how I was treated, or vengeful (that left me awhile ago), I'm saying it, because at least in my marriage it was true.
I could not talk to him, I could never tell him how I felt, it was like I was attacking him if I said I was upset, and he had to attack back. There were a few times that he actually sat and listened, but there was no conversation except for me talking, and he would even thank me for being so nice about things, and then later attack me, because I never shut the h3ll up.
From what you have been writing, I see me right there. I spent about 17 years trying to figure out the right way to try to tell him why I was upset, how it hurt me, and what I needed to make things better. There is no way to do this. None.
Before you drive yourself crazy like I did, just ask me whatever questions you have. Can't guarantee I will have an answer, just know that I will know what you are talking about.
If you ever question your own sanity, just know, you sound a lot like me, and my therapist, my psychologist, my psychiatrist all said that I am sane !!!!!!!!, (lol) and so are you.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))