Originally Posted by
jarp 
... This might be in one of the stickies....so apologies if I haven't looked hard enough. ...
No worries, there's a _lot_ of stickies. It can take days to go through them all.
Originally Posted by
jarp ....how do you/ did you deal with the need to accept a higher power? Could anyone share what that was...and how you did that genuinely and honestly, being true to yourself, if you didn't believe. ...
I was born into a very Catholic family. On the outside. On the inside there was child abuse, alcoholism, spousal abuse, incest, and on and on. I spent some time in a religious orphanage, then some religious schools. When I got to the 12 steps and their version of a "Higher Power" I had _major_ obstacles.
Nothing to do with people of faith, or with people of the steps. I just had some deep misunderstandings about all of the above.
What helped me deal with the whole "HP" stuff was a few things my sponsor pointed out.
The program of recovery is _just_ the 12 steps. Nothing else. _All_ of the literature is just commentary, examples of how a variety of people interpret the steps. The only thing I have to do in order to benefit from the steps is use them as they are relevant to my specific needs. Basically, I get to write my own commentary as I go along.
The steps were written as a record of experience. The specific wording is what those people found helpful to them. They left out what was _not_ helpful.
Why, then, did all these alanoids find a need for a HP? And a "generic HP" at that. The steps were written in a part of the country that still is deeply Christian, and at a time in history where religion was integral to their life. The most natural thing would have been for them to include a theist religion, yet they did not.
I got tangled up in all that for awhile, then my sponsor broke through my mis-conceptions. The only thing that I need to understand about the HP thing is that _I_ am _not_ the HP.
When I read the steps one at a time, and I grab a dictionary and piece together each word one at a time, I realize that they are taking about a "power" that is _not_ "ourselves".
Seeing how I spent my entire life trying to manage the world into fitting my expectations, and _never_ asking for help, the "light bulb" went off. My "alanoid-ism" is based on me trying to be some kind of super-person. To be over-dependable, over-protective, over-involved, super-efficient, fixing _everybody's_ problems, etc. etc.
If I can control _everything_ about the world around me then I will never be hurt, I will perfectly safe.
To me that sounds like I was trying to become my own "Higher Power". No wonder my life was a mess. I must have had a huge ego and never even knew it.
Today I go to the doc for medical problems, the mechanic to fix my car, the shrink to help with relationships, etc. etc. I no longer try to fix the whole world all by myself. All I can really fix is my own _actions_, nothing else.
My version of a HP has _nothing_ to do with religion, or magic, or any of that "stuff". There's plenty of religious versions of God already, no need for me to make up a new one. My version of a HP is just to _stop_ my mind from racing off into those old thoughts, stop myself from going back into that "emotional hiding" where I get so busy taking care of everybody else that I never take care of me, stop trying to be the whole worlds HP.
I see the _remainder_ of the steps as my HP. Doing what the rest of the steps suggest has made a fantastic difference in my life, something that I failed to do when I was my own HP. What works for me is to define my HP as the steps themselves, because they _are_ wisdom that is beyond my ability to create on my own.
Mike
