Hello AngelLily, and welcome to our little corner of SoberRecovery
Originally Posted by
AngelLily 
... i had to stop looking after him because i couldnt take it anymore and ended up being diagnosed with depression....
Good for you, it sounds like that was a very healthy thing to do for you and your own family.
Originally Posted by
AngelLily ... im angry at my mum for staying with him and letting him beat us on a weekly basis, and cant grieve for her properly because i just get angry when i think of her. i get angry with my dad for not being a proper dad to us and putting us before drink....
You sound just like all the rest of us. I can't imagine how anybody could feel otherwise with parents like that.
Originally Posted by
AngelLily ... i have so many issues even now as an adult that i know come from things he said or did to me, and things i saw....
The good news is that we all heal from that damage. Everybody on this forum is making great progress at healing. There's millions of us all over the world in meetings of ACoA, or going to therapy, or in church programs, and all of us getting well. We're not broken people muddling through life, we are injured people, healing stronger in the injured places.
Originally Posted by
AngelLily ... my husband wants me to cut my dad off completely but, even after everything my dad has done, i just cant. i cant carry on like this though because i either feel angry or just cry whenever i think about it all because i just dont know what to do for the best....
I went through that too. One of the issues that was brainwashed into me as a child by my alcoholic parents was that all decisions were black or white, and they all were of horrid consequences if I got it wrong.
What I have learned in recovery is that all things in life, including decisions, come in many, many colors, and many shades of bright to dark. The horrid consequences come from a world that has much evil, my decisions are not so incredibly powerful as to change the way the world is.
I did _not_ cut off my parents all in one day. I did it one little bit at a time. First I stopped answering the phone on Mondays. No special reason for Monday, I just picked a day. Then it was Monday and Wednesday. Then I put a clock by the phone and when it had been two full hours with them ranting and raging on the phone I would tell them someone was at the door. Next I pulled back to an hour and 45 minutes, and then hour and 30. It took me a few years to "train" them down to only 5 minutes once a week... and then, one day, they just stopped calling.
Same thing with visits and holidays. Less time with them each time. Then one Christmas I really did get a bad virus, and so I did not go. The next Christmas I was not invited, and had the best time ever with my own friends.
All the emotional issues that were forced upon me did not happen all at once, it was a slow abrasion over my entire childhood. Likewise, the healing happened little by little.
Whatever you decide to do about breaking off contact, whether you decide to do it little by little, all at once, change your mind a hundred times, or even decide to _not_ decide, we will support you. We have all been there and felt the same feelings many times over.
Mike