bird, ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Are you with my ex?????? When I read what you wrote it was like having flashbacks. When I first read it, I mostly skimmed it quickly, because I really did know what you were going to say next. I read it again the second time, and it was like reading my own journal, and that's really scary.!!!!!!!
My ex used to disappear also for months at a time. It did start off with a day or two, then it just progressed more and more, till it ended up getting to 1 to 2 months, he wouldn't answer his phone, wouldn't call me, wouldn't let me know where he was. Would not communicate at all. Then he would come back, and everything should be the same as it was, because "look, we didn't fight for the last month". I would be accused of not letting anything go, holding a grudge, just trying to start another fight. He just wanted to have sex and make things all better, and I was a b!tch, because I wanted to talk about my feelings, and how we need to improve our communication.
I tried every way that I could to try to explain my feelings, my needs, my wants as nice as I could. He got to the point of just saying, I have to listen to this stupid BS again, why can't you ever "just get over it", and just move on already. He would also scream at me that "I am not his mother, and can't tell him what to do".
One thing that I did find out from one of our trips to a psychologist was, that it makes him "mad" when people are upset with him. Well, that explained a lot to me. So I was not allowed to be angry, upset, hurt, disappointed. I also wasn't allowed to be happy unless he was the cause of my happiness. Try to make sense out of that. I would like to say that it was all about control and manipulation, but that was his actual thinking process. He was never going to see that as being wrong, and that it was control and manipulation.
So I finally left my ex, and he eventually filed for a divorce. (I did push for him to file for the divorce, because I knew his pride would stop him from ever trying to contact me again), but he told me that he did it, because you can't have a relationship, if you are not together. That one really blew me away, because I wanted to say to him, what about all the times that you disappeared, ran away for months, you mean to tell me you thought that was a relationship?
I had a lot of anger during those years, but I think it was more anger at myself, yes, of course, I hated him then, and I hated the way that he acted, but I realize now that it was anger at myself, because I allowed it, I was always trying to think of different ways to get through to him, to try to explain things better, to get him to understand that I was a person, that I had feelings.
Now I know, anger is a good emotion, when handled properly. I used it to motivate myself to leave him. Best thing that I ever did.
I think you are doing good right now, and you are seeing things for what they are and what they can be. It will get worse, the disappearing acts will get longer and longer. Also in this case, I also don't believe if you take the alcohol away that things will be any better. My ex was like this with or without alcohol.
Take care of you
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy