Need some advice from people who understand what im going through
My dad is an alcoholic but wont admit it at all. when he was drunk he was very physically and emotionally abusive to me , my mum and siblings from such a young age that i cant remember a time when he wasnt. my mum refused to ever leave him though and would never admit to anyone else what was happening to us.
he seemed to be cutting his drink down a couple for years ago, but then my mum was diagnosed with brain cancer and he started drinking more. he would turn up at the hospital drunk and was still abusive to her. she died last year and to start with, i had to take over my mums role of looking after him, even though i had moved out and had my own children.
i had to stop looking after him because i couldnt take it anymore and ended up being diagnosed with depression.
the problem now is that hes drinking more than i can ever remember but wont admit he has a problem. i refuse to let my kids see him if hes been drinking because i never want them to experience what i did. i feel horrible though when they get upset that i wont take them to see their grandad, even though im doing it for their own good. i dont want to have to explain to them what he was like because theyre still young (7 & 8). hes missed their birthdays and other special occasions because i wouldnt let him drink around them.
im angry at my mum for staying with him and letting him beat us on a weekly basis, and cant grieve for her properly because i just get angry when i think of her. i get angry with my dad for not being a proper dad to us and putting us before drink.i have so many issues even now as an adult that i know come from things he said or did to me, and things i saw.
my husband wants me to cut my dad off completely but, even after everything my dad has done, i just cant. i cant carry on like this though because i either feel angry or just cry whenever i think about it all because i just dont know what to do for the best.