Originally Posted by EndGameNYC

You'll be surrounded by a bunch of people holding hands and chanting in Old English, eyes glazed over, and wearing black, hooded capes. There will be a burning at the stake, of course, but they don't burn anyone who's new.

Several chickens will lose their heads, the blood of children under five years of age will be let, and anyone carrying a Capital One card in their wallet will have to take a vow of silence for ninety days.

A basket will be passed around, ostensibly to pay for expenses, but the true intent is to get the DNA from newcomers so that the group can cast a spell on them, making them believe that they only talk about a "higher power" so that they won't scare people off by taking about "God," which, in turn, is truly the devil. In any case, if you don't comply with everything they suggest, and you don't agree with everything that's said, you'll experience spontaneous combustion exactly five minutes after you start making fun of AA with your buddies.

Closed meetings are pretty much the same, except anyone who has ninety days has to consent to an act of self-immolation with the person who has the most time in the group. This can be very time-consuming and tiring, since most times the two participants go back and forth, exchanging words like, "You go first." "No, you go first." "No, you go first..."

Oh yeah, don't drive to the meeting. Take public transportation, have someone drop you off, or walk, but for God's sake, don't drive. When you identify yourself as a newcomer, other members will follow you out to your car and lock you in your trunk until you commit to getting a sponsor.