I can tell you a few years out that my children are so much better off without their father in their lives.
I can also tell you that the first couple of years when they were court-ordered to spend time with him were sheer hell. My therapist ensured me that it was better for them to have one stable, healthy home even if they were forced to spend time with AXH in a very unhealthy one as well. I sure as hell didn't feel it when I had to send them there, when they would call crying, and when he would refuse to let them leave because He Had A Right To Have His Children.
I still get anxious just typing about it.
The only thing I regret in relation to my children is NOT LEAVING THEIR FATHER SOONER.
We can tell ourselves all those things WTBH said. But the truth is you can't recover from living with a pathological circumstance while you're still living in it - especially if you're a child.
I left when I was able. I know that. Even so, even thinking that I have forgiven myself for not being able sooner, there are times when the guilt is overwhelming. I cried myself to sleep last night after a standoff with one of my teens where she behaved like a carbon copy of her A father.
I hate myself for choosing an addict for a father for them. They were forced to grow up too fast. And i wish I had left years earlier than I did.