When I first got sober, I'd been nursing myself through the pain and suffering that comes with divorce for about three years. After she left, I left my teaching position (probably a few moments before being asked to leave) and took a job as a bartender. I was drinking around the clock, and my mental state became progressively worse.
I was angry, frightened, depressed, suicidal and, yes, lonely, despite having lots of people around me for much of the time. I made the decision to stop in part because alcohol no longer worked for me, and was only bringing me to very dark places. I could no longer live in my own skin, and I felt as though the loss itself would kill me. And I generally hoped that it would.
When I put down the drink it was, for me, final. "One day at a time" didn't work for me, although I do appreciate and respect the power of that line of thinking...and living. I felt release from the knowledge that I never had to drink again. I achieved sobriety in AA, but that alone doesn't tell my story. The tremendous amount of support I received kept me going for a very long time, long enough that I stayed around to feel as though I was out of danger.
On nights when I chose to stay home alone, I could barely sit still, and the dark feelings overwhelmed me. So I went to several meetings each week, sometimes more than one meeting each day. I also refused to sit around and wait for sobriety to grace me with all its benefits. I got involved in a variety of activities, none of which had anything to do with replacing my ex-wife. In general, when I was not busy, I was not happy. My thinking was along the lines of, "She's not coming back. There's nothing I can do to bring her back, so I might just as well do things to keep me occupied, just in case she does come back."
There were still periods of extreme anguish and despair, but I often had something to look forward to in my then-busy schedule. My drinking buddies and I made an unspoken but mutual agreement to no longer hang out together. I got a sponsor who took me through AA's Twelve Steps. I went back to therapy. I made plans to go to graduate school, I started running 10K each day, and I (eventually) earned a black belt in a traditional style of martial arts. And I made supportive attachments in AA.
In retrospect, those days -- and the years that followed -- were among the happiest of my life. I'd committed to not drink, no matter what, and I made a leap of faith that there was a better way for me, the latter coming only after I attended several meetings.
I don't think I know anyone who went on to live a happy and sober life without a plan or without ongoing support. AA's Big Book is not a self-help book; it's a textbook that requires an experienced teacher for us to make sense of it, and to apply the Twelve Step principles in our daily lives.
Start now, AA or otherwise. There's a better life waiting for you. All you need to do is commit yourself to living it.
"The idea is to make decisions and act on them -- to decide what’s important to accomplish, to decide how something can best be accomplished, to find time to work at it and to get it done." -- Karen Kakascik