Elizabeth,
I hope I didn't offend you. I promise you, honey, I understand. Been in this addiction thing a long time. Nobody expects you to just smile and look the other way. You deserve to be real. You have been hurt, we all have. Every single thing you can imagine and then some (except physical abuse). It's okay to feel these things and nobody thinks you shouldn't. For 4 months (from Sept 04 - Dec 04) I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Read some of my first posts. Most of the time I didn't even post, I just read to see if anybody could think of a way I could help my husband and the dad of my girls. My counselor was very concerned. I asked my husband to leave 9/3/04, my daughter turned 18 9/18/04, I turned 42 9/24/04, the next few weeks were pretty quiet except the 7:30am phone calls to my 6 year old every day and not a word to me, Halloween activities just me and my 6 year old, November 12th trip to the ER thinking he was dead from an overdose (just a close call), then 1 week in rapid detox and out again doing more of the same, Thanksgiving 7:30 am phone call to the girls and forcing myself to get up, get dressed and go to my mom's for the day. December 8th my 24th anniversary ( no call, no nothing), I was barely functioning and getting to work with red face and puffy eyes kids worried, 6 year old scared. December 17th his birthday, called him for the 6 yr old to say happy birthday daddy, left message no call back until 2 days later. Christmas Dec 25th the girls went for about 2 hrs to bring him his present and visit, Jan 11th he was in the hospital with pneumonia, today Jan 26th I met with an attorney to find out about divorce (first time in my whole married life). I understand worry, believe me. I know you have to grieve and feel these feelings. I know that your mind races and you dream and can't rest. I know that you probably try to figure out exactly what happens next. I know you are afraid. Been there. Sometimes we become sicker than our alcoholics and addicts because of the torment and suffering we endure. We lose who we are. We care more about them than we do ourselves. It's about trying to give to someone what we don't have anymore. Honey, you are probably so empty right now. Your question was a good one, unfortunately it taps a very sensitive area for many of us. Fortunately, though some of us are working through that pain to get to the other side and I believe that is the message all of us intended. You have to be ready to stop worrying about things you can't do anything about. You have to try to change what you can (You) and give to God those things you can't. You will when you're ready and we'll listen until you are. No judgement, no sarcasm, pure love based on a common ground. Some of us have walked where you are right now, some of us haven't gotten there yet and some of us are way beyond that place; but our ground is definitely common. Just like at live meetings - take what you need and leave the rest. That's okay too. I will pray for you Elizabeth. You are a strong person for having been through your family of origin in addiction and now your significant other. You might consider seeing a counselor (woman) who specialized in families of addicts/alcoholics. My counselor has been sober about 17 years, is my age and suffered many years in active addiction with her parents even after she was clean and sober. Since I met her 5 years ago, she gave up a teaching career to go back to school and get her masters in addiction therapy because she wanted to give back some of what she has gained through the AA/Alanon program and the 12 step process. I am in recovery, but I'm currently on an antidepressant because I was in a severe depression after I asked my husband to leave which continued to get worse. This was diagnosed by my medical doctor and is being managed bi monthly. You should never be sorry about asking questions about the behavior of an addict. The problem is we have all been manipulated, lied to and made wrong over and over and some of us can't talk about these things yet without emotion. The emotion won't always be this raw and it won't always feel this way. Everything changes, when we allow it. I hope that this encourages you to stick around. If you'd like to send me a personal message I'd be happy to respond.