Great thread. I stayed for all the reasons the OP stated. I also minimized how damaging the situation was and was far too willing to believe all the lies and manipulation because all this crap just couldn't be happening to "people like us." There is that whole terminal uniqueness.
My D9 has lots of anxiety too and NEVER talked about her feelings. Lots of physical complaints, she would come home from school with big holes in her clothes from picking at them all day. Since leaving she has started therapy and is now beginning to express her feelings. I hear less physical complaints and I'm not reaching for the sewing kit every other day. She is learning resiliency and building her confidence. One of the most heartbreaking things was watching her check up on her daddy when we were still living there. She would hear the squeek of the garage door and go running to see what he was doing. It also got pretty difficult to explain his frequent absences. It was so difficult not to fall into the trap of bad mouthing him when I was living in the middle of his sh*tstorm.
My D5 does not have tantrums anymore and is busy making friends and going about the business of being a kid. When we lived with AH she would have massive fits and refuse to participate in activities at school. Just this week her teacher told me she is a great listener. It's an amazing difference.
Things aren't perfect. I can tell my girls are anxious that I will leave them too and they are watching closely to see if my actions and words match. They need lots of reassurance and my oldest still has some anxiety. But I can give them consistency, love, and a peaceful home. I have so much more time for them now that I am not focusing on my AH.
Last year at about this time I remember begging and pleading to get AH to come to the girls holiday programs. He would either be a no show or show up late and drunk. Its nice not to waste my energy on that now.
It is so helpful to hear the perspective of the ACOAs. It reinforces that my decision to leave was right for us and strengthens my resolve not to fall for the lies and go back to him.
It took me a long time to leave. I received a call from a counselor working with AH and I saying GET OUT it is no longer safe. Leave with only the clothes you are wearing if you have to. And I am ashamed to admit it still took me a month to leave. A month of hell. Leaving or staying is a very difficult, personal choice and for me it happened when I was ready.