self destructive?
now that i have been clean a few weeks im starting to realize why i was using. im starting to think im punishing myself for the pain i have caused others i really dont know what else i could have been using for. when i started to use opiates i was 21 and in college having the best time of my life with no problems whatsoever, had a great childhood, now im 25 and lost alot because of it. im not a depressed person but it just seems others care about my wellbeing more than myself, i honestly have never been scared of death even though im not suicidal at all. i feel like i get pleasure from the pain of this addiction in some sick sort of way, i really dont know im just confused and trying to figure out why i was using in the first place so i can handle it so i wont use again.