Hello all. I joined here a while ago, although have never posted. I have had this new post tab open for a few days and have been typing and deleting things since then. I don't talk about things that are going on for me and I usually always deny that anything is wrong should someone raise something. I'm sure I'm not alone with that.
I thought I would start by giving a brief summary of my story - more so for myself than anything.
So, growing up by father and brother both drank a lot, and both turned into monsters when drinking - angry, shouting, throwing things etc. I always swore that I would never drink because of this. When I was about 16 I was up late doing some science homework on a Sunday night and all I could hear was my drunken brother. It really got to me that night and all I kept thinking was I needed something to take the feelings away.. I was thinking of drugs, although was of course too scared to try anything and wouldn't even have known how to get hold of any, but these thoughts never let up.
So, skip on to present day - lots of drinking, drugs, self harm in numerous ways, anxiety, depression - whatever else. I am still trying to numb the feelings I have. I know I am not doing it in the right way, although most of the time it's the easiest way, the more enjoyable way.
The thing is, on the outside I have been able to carry on working on a successful career and study. I have limited friends and am frightened to letting people get close to me, so push them away pretty quickly, but generally people would not look at me and thing "she's a total mess...," but that is what I am.
I am really trying to get past all of this. I can't promise that I won't fall down, but am ready to get over this all and deal with things in a better way. I don't want to be a "victim" anymore.
There is a lot I haven't said, but this is probably the most I have said - even on an anonymous forum. I just need people to support me and stick by me, even when I'm being a total cow!!!
I'm glad I posted this.
Hi... I'm Rice
