Thanks, guys. I'm thinking on it.
We have some traditions old and new. We always decorate after Thanksgiving, and we have certain favorite decorations that *must* go up (even if I hate them!). I bake a ton. We watch all the movies. We open ONE gift before Xmas and have a big Xmas morning the day of (or the day we decide to celebrate it) with unwrapping and a lot of presents. I've really tried to make it about the kids, and this takes care of 90% of my anxiety during that time.
What I find, though, is that those moments when I'm planning it, thinking about it, getting/wrapping presents, are when I feel most alone. Like, usually my crazy disappointing FOO does a modest gift exchange. Since we're not doing that this year, it occurred to me that I won't get a present from anyone this year, and for some reason that makes me want to crawl in a hole and stay there. Then I feel like an entitled jerk for expecting anything at all, and shouldn't I just buck up and clench my jaw like always and shoulder through it? It's not a good scene, and I realize how self-destructive this thinking process is, but I can't seem to mitigate it. I'm tired of bucking up.