Have you thought of rehab?
If your desire to drink, despite the obvious consequences, is still that strong, and you still declare you love drinking...
maybe you need a bit of time in a structured safe environment, away from the drink, where you can think about things with a clear head?
I think foolsgold makes a great point. You have no idea of what alternative ways of living might be right now.
I didn't love drinking. I hated it after 20 years.
But I was terrified of not drinking. It was easier to pretend love than acknowledge fear.
D