Feeling really guilty posting this but need my SR friends guidance!
Currently im 7 months sober. I can honestly say I'm pretty certain I will never drink again.
I feel like I'm a blind woman who woke to perfect vision. Sometimes I'm not sure what is real and what is exaggeration. So here's what I'm dealing with.
I figured out some of the key points that kept me bottle bound:
1. Isolation
2. Controlling relationship
3. Need for perfection
4. Not knowing how to use my voice
5. Dissatisfaction with the role in my life Ive created.
So at 7 months my main struggle is stay or go. I've been with my husband since I'm 23 that's 12 years. Slowly over time our relationship has taking on a very unhealthy dynamic. He's can be controlling, jealous, mean, unsympathetic, spiteful, damanding, and always watching me waiting to fail. The problem is this was not his nature initially, I taught him to treat me this way.
Last week we were separated by family circumstances. It was probably the greatest week of my life. I felt like a boulder was lifted off my chest, I felt calm. I wasn't waiting to hear about all my **** ups of the day, or hear how spending another $12 on I tunes was irresponsible (we are not broke) My kids were peaceful and I wanted it to be like this forever.
He returned home Thursday to a different woman he left. I shared how happy I was to be alone. Told him we need therapy STAT or im leaving after the holidays. To which he said we need to go over your credit card statements. I don't spend anything !!!! in 60 days my transaction total was $142. HEs NOT HEARING ME!!!
I still love him and want to work on the marriage, but he says no to therapy, he actually suggested we use his mom as a therapist!!!!
I'm feeling stuck and I know if it doesn't change there is a strong possibility I could return to drinking! And I don't ever want to do that again.
Has anyone been in my shoes? How after so many years of not loving yourself and allowing others to treat you so do you change it?????
It's kind of crazy because when I was drinking I thought we had the greatest relationship use to say we were the classic 1950s household
!
Sorry sooooo long!
PS that's not my picture that's Diane Prince WW alter ego
