hi again
i messed up by deleting my first post but it posted anyway.
Pippi, you seem like a very loving mother who wants the best for your kids.
until you stop relying on him for sole financial support, you will have these situations and you and your kids will suffer regardless of whose fault it is. money is power and he has all the money and power in your situation. that sucks for you but it is what it is.
my mother never really worked for her own reasons and after my parents divorced she relied on him for support. he gave her low low alimony and she has complained the last 30 years about it. she never did go out on her own to develop her own income source. she lives in a small apartment in their old neighborhood. her place is filled with the expensive furniture and clothes my father bought her decades ago. she never really moved on from the lifestyle or lifestyle appearances she once had and adjusted for the reality of where she is today. My sister and I hate that for her because it has left her stuck in a way.
One big thing that she likely never intended is the effect her choice to do that made on me and my sister. We learned from her that we need to rely on a man to support us. We learned that you need to keep your man happy so that he continues to support you. We learned that although she has a great education she has never really worked and didn't like where she would have to start off in the workplace since she has little or outdated experience. We learned that unless it is a high quality position it is not worth having. We learned about entitlement and dependence from my mother. Entitlement and dependence are VERY had to unlearn as adults. Both my sister and I went to private schools, good colleges and have graduate degrees from top universities. We appear successful. My sister ended up living with a gambling addict for 5 years and I was engaged to an alcoholic for 4 years. It has taken us both years to sort this crap out.
My father controls with money. His father controlled him and his brothers with money. It appears to me to be a learned behavior. Dependence is also a learned behavior. It is funny how the controllers and the dependents seek each other out.
I don't think your kid should have to give up his ipad, but no way should he or you or anyone be receiving dad's texts. it is unhealthy to snoop like that. i get why would do it, but worry about your health if you choose to do it. taking care of our mental health is VERY important and it can be easy to slip back into old patterns. we all have to keep that in check. i know that i do.